Living in this world for 22 + years

out of a sudden feel that something that i possess now might be gone.

Kind of mirage...

Life seems to be fruitful for me all this while

but feel the emptiness now....

certainly not because of my buddies went for internship

the emptiness is like eternal

terrifying....

remain single and not in a relationship is not a factor somehow

perhaps i have been hiding too long in the cave

well, the feelings grow stronger when

i saw they are playing volley ball today

and some similar scenes cascaded in my mind

deja vu.....

memories that will disappear....

it does not only happen here

but it happens to me where ever i go

my hometown

my sister's house

just have a feeling that i'm not able to get hold of it

just a feeling......

 

Especially Sim Ying and Lai Mun, i know u both are concern abt me, my future. Really appreciate u both.  But sometimes, when u see there is no sincerity on a person, i'll need straight away retreat. U know i am so scared of failures. Again and again.....

To wendy, U've dug a lot of my information, i hope u are really concern abt me. I also happy when i see u found your own happiness. Just pls care for me and support me. thanks.

I really grateful to have a grandson like chon keat, so humble, generous, helpful and kind. But i cannot keep my words, i failed to find u a grandfather. :-)

the most important person, my room mate - ya shin, i appreciate your concern. U give me your support until the very last moment esp my thesis. It's my pleasure to request u to be my room mate in the early times.

to others, wishing them all the best in their life.

These 2 months, the darkest moment of my campus life, hopefully will come to a halt. It comes to a conclusion where i decided not to go into multimedia industry in future. Insuffient skills, insufficient inspiration, insufficient creativity, insufficient competency...

To the panels, all of u are scary and unpredictable, looking at your sinister smile on your face, too horrifiying.

It was lucky when there was a little turning point, the second chance was given, to my last resort, i did all my best and present the analysis. Leaving it to fate, that's all i could say.

Of all the times, u have never walked into my life, i really couldn't figure out why u were doing all the funny thing to amuse me, though not very humourous. The most disappointed was, u didn't wish me luck before my viva. I thought there is nothing between us. But u turned to be passionate when i told u i was darn upset on my performance. It was sweet when u said u are willing to stay up late until 2am to listen to me. u made me confused. A lot of the times, my feeling couldn't grow on u. But, people around me advised me to give u a chance.

The feeling gradually came to me when u said, "dyingly miss u, what love u a lot...". The worst was, why is there a heart shape that came a long with your bottle? I really thought to give u a chance. My heart was saying no also, but i just thought to give it a try. Who knows, yesterday conversation was a disappointment to me. Initially u said u want to know more about me. But lastly u asked me to give up on u and all because u have split personality. U are indeed scary. U are not the person who i knew from the very start. Kind, helpful, trustworthy, sincere. NO no ....not the one that i knew in our assignment group. U are totally a stranger for me.

In this case, I chose to give up on u. I was really fed up of an accomplished programmer but an undecisive person. Pls think properly when u start anything.
Don't let people bear the consequence of your action.

feeling insecured
anyone can be man in disguise

in despair
when watching at some immatured attitude

in dilemma
where should i stand
when 2 parties or more having conflicts

feeling uncomfortable
when people are too money-minded

feeling streesed
when workload is too heavy

feeling strange
when the place where i belong to is meaningless

until one day when i leave this place
that will be the full stop of everything

突然很想blogging。。。 近来，总觉得所有卖饮料的小贩在作弄我。说来好笑，事情发生已经好几次。前几个礼拜，我跟朋友在s17吃饭， 我很想喝杯热茶，于是便跟那里的印度worker说，“teh panas”,我以为他真的懂的，怎么料到他给了我一杯奶茶。真的又好笑又好气！

前几天，我又到那里吃晚饭，小心翼翼说，“滚水”，你猜来了杯什么？唉。。。 出现了一杯豆奶。朋友们还故意说，“你的水是否有些肮脏？”

昨天，值得高兴的是，我在ss2所叫的白开水，果然来的终于是无色无味的清水。

        when people ask me when was my last trip back to my home town? what shall i

answer? 3 months ago? or 4 months ago? literally, 1 year thrice......

        a house is not a home. who can understand? wouldn't i tell them, it's hard to

stay at home for more than 3 days nowadays. tolerance..... patience.....

wendy keeps helping me by answering people saying i'm a person who doesn't like

to go back.... funny.... she got a warm and cozy family undoubtedly, everyone

knows from her mouth. Inferiority complex lies beneath me.... the other one is

bao han who is too much to say i'm not ipoh people.

        there's no one knows the truth either.... but, i would hate people saying that i

don't like to go back home, i strongly emphasize on that.

         at the moment, i still have a shelter to survive - my hostel. but when i

graduate in 1 year plus time, that would be a doom day for me.

        reality hits me, but i still running away from it. i know i shouldn't, but it's

too fake to face. there's no way out, is there??

        i still remember i had a very sweet and memorable b'day, but later only i

figured out the nightmare took over my happiness. since then, i bear the burden

on my shoulder. since then, i lost my trueself. hopefully no one notice it, but

kevin and lai mun did keep an eye on me. my emotion getting up and down,

unstable, over sensitive, easily depressed, bad-tempered.......

        my b'day, andrew, bao han, lai mun, weng wee, eng chin, sim ying, kev, coming
back all the way from taiping, teluk intan, ipoh, johor, cheras respectively and

purposely, celebrating my big day in nearest KFC. wendy, mastermind, planned all

the strategies taking the trouble fetching to-n-fro. the occurance of kok onn

surprised me. unforgettable........
      
       unfortunately, i didn't receive any wishes or even belated wishes from a few

good + close frens...... yea...disappointed though......perhaps being too busy on

other things.....

        election just over.... on the 21st Sept.... Aspirasi won 68.x% in our college.

Considered good. Hard work eventually paid off....seriously exhausted..... i

don't know why do i have so much of "semangat kolej", just couldn't imagine what

if one day our management is taken over by the opposition. Don't ever happen

here!

        2 years plus of surviving in a political environment, fear no one...... i was

taught to fight for my right. Really thanks to my malay seniors and my dearest

brother, Mizra. A great help in problem solving - politics and academic. Not

forgetting Mr liew, his criticsm and cursing become encouragement...

        there's always a time when u get your authority and all depends on how u

utilize it. some, acting bossy would be awful; putting on a long face expecting people    
to scare of u would be too much; managing things too strict and straight sooner or

later will be a failure; to brain wash people with different perspective too

often may cause "brain damage"; to keep forgiving people who betray u again and

again would be the most foolish act; too engrossed in a relationship may cause

negligence of other task and vice versa; people who overwork may cause

exhaustion.

       there's a balance on everything......

In the entire month of July, It's really a challenge for me, and yet i got good experience. Phew.... I don't know how am i going to describe, but what i can tell is, I learn a lot where it came to a situation that i need to handle a few problems at the same time.

I've been keep thinking, things around us change, the character of a person also change because of the environment.... is it necessary? Man in disguise, with hidden agenda.... seems to be too dangerous. From friends become foe, from good friends become stranger. Maybe i'm not that understanding, i couldn't figure out what is the exact motive. Or maybe i'm too naive to believe in people? My instinct tells me, once a friend, not forever is still friend.

I don't want to play politics, I've been going with it for one year. I'm tired.... exhausted....and filled with despair.

I told myself, it's time to let go....... there was a very dark period where i need to handle my emotion towards 4 obstacles/conflicts. Heartache, pain, disappointment, pressure and tension, all came at the same time. My health was terribly bad then, i was really traumatised with what happened to me. Thank God to let my good frens staying with me. I spent one and the half day to recover and stand up to solve another problem. That was another way to stop my depression from attacking me as it had come to a point i wanted to isolate myself. God helps me to get back to my positive thinking, to get back my fighting spirit.

I got to the battle and I fought to the last where i had already set my objective to handle the whole grand event. I thought of every single detail of the event. I did my best with the assistance of my unofficial committee. But who knows, the result was a paradox. I got half of it... HALF? Everybody's mood went down nor i could control. It'll be meaningless where i couldn't achieve the satisfaction. I don't want to fight, not that i'm being defeated. I'm here to enjoy and gain experience and not competing with others. I don't want to see an event splitting into 2 awfully.

I give up, eventually. All because i don't want to see the next batch fighting with each other psychologically, comparing which party is better. What's the point?

Win, lose or draw.